if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
