if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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