Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
