remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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