I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
