well I can't set my house on fire every night
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
