I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize