at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
