we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
