She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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