I wish my penis had an off switch
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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