Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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