saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least