This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
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i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
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yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.