I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
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My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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