I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
