We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Randomize
