I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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