Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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