Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize