The maid of honor just puked.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
