dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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