I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i was born a porn star she said
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
