Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
