I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
