You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
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