what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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