Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
