I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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