Need sex. Gaining weight.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
