they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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