We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Still dying that you shit outside
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
