Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We have so much sex to catch up on
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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