He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
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Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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