I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Best friends brother. Beat that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
