If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
