he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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