I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
