You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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