a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
