I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
