In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
