there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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