she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
