textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
