Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
