Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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