For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
