it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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