i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
