FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
