I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
