I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
me + whiskey = a bad person
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
