I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
