You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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