He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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