I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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