why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
