3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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