drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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