you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
