I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
