Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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