I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
