Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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