God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
COCAINE IS GR8
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
